Cup of Hiccup

Its hella funny when i got to realize the fact that i cried a lot two days ago, but tonight i laughed a lot with my close friends, which are also my coworkers. I want to remember about this feeling so i wrote this post. 

Its been quite a long time since this one close friend of mine hasnt come to work. Actually its been one month since his father passed away. He finally came to work today. I'm really happy, well over the moon to be precise, because he's the one that i talk to the most in the office. When he was gone, office is not the same anymore, there's no one bothering me, or talking shits about the no-good-supervisors, or discussing about work transfer, or simply talking about women lmao. 

Tonight all of my close friends, including him, gathered at my place to have dinner together. We usually gather at my place because he brought us this special meatballs from his town. So tonight we have this usual menu as dinner. Finishing our dinner, we talk a lot. Mostly he started the talk. He talked about his late father. He told us how he processed about what happened that day-- when his father passed away. All of the complicated feelings, the complicated events, he told us everything. But there were also some funny stories behind it. He told us that all of his exes came to his father's funeral. Because the funeral lasted few days, few of his exes came few times. Its so funny because his aunt and his neighbor started to tease him because there are so many women came for him. 

So, we all also are teasing him. He even continue the jokes that he should have four wives, because all of her exes befriended in the funeral, lmao. After we all laugh hard, suddenly one of my friend asked him, 'so who's the one you gonna choose' my friend didnt let him answer and she said that he should be with me, and my other friends also teasing us. Lmao now the table turns. But i just laughed hard. Its so funny. Because tonight makes me so exhilarated. 

Honestly, its hard to see him as a man, because he never sees me as a woman, as simple as that. And he once told me that he only see me as a friend. So i never expect anything from him. Sure we talk a lot everyday. We both go out together a lot. Having a meal, or simply drinking coffee, talking about work or life in general. I almost know all of his friends and exes, but i guess because he has so many friends and exes, so i didnt know all of them. If he started to talk about his friend when we are gathering, most of the time, i can distinguish immediately which friend he's talking about, usually where he's working or whose husband it is or whose wife it is, and etc. There are too many stories that i already knew about him. Simply because he loves to talk a lot, and mostly i love to be a listener. In short, he and i are close but we are not s/o to each other 🫠 

When i'm sad that i'm living so faraway with my family, i remember that i still have them here, i'm so grateful for their existence here. I might be crying out loud two days ago. But tonight i laughed hard. Life is all about zero sum like my dearest friend said. Some days you just lose, some days you just win. Some days you feel miserable, some days you feel elated. 

Late night alone at my place, i just finished my tennis training session. I was exhausted and so starving. So i made a ramen bowl. After devouring my ramen bowl, suddenly that sadness hit me out of nowhere. I really miss that affection coming from your significant other. I really need that validation from somebody special that can boosts my confidence. 

Sometimes its really hard being single when you are alone in late night and you are imagining all the overthinking. Its hard. So i cried. A lot. Adulting is really hard. That time when i cried and really needed somebody to talk to, too bad all of my close friend are not in the moment. So i cried. Alone. Its hard. 

I miss my family. I need somebody to lean on. Somebody special. Somebody that can give me validation at any given time. Somebody that always supports me whatever the circumstances are. Somebody that loves me at the fullest. Oh God... please send me someone special. I am so grateful for everything right now. But when late night comes, its hard when i feel alone... and lonely.

Been a long time im not writing on my blog. Kinda miss it so im back. I dont really have any specific topic for this post so i'll just jot down whats on my mind these days.

Worrying something is very human, especially when you worry about some specific result about your future career or the future significant other that is nowhere to be seen. I have been on this long process for half year and more. The process that i have to overcome in order to transfer workplace closer to my family. Because i work for govt, the bureaucracy is such a pain in the a**. It is so tiresome and complicated. Mostly what i do is waiting. After i accomplished one thing, the next thing i have to do is waiting patiently and look for the perfect timing to execute the next milestone. May Allah gives the best result and transfer my workplace so that i can live with my family.. Insha Allah 🥲 im lying if i said living alone and far from your family is not hard.. 

Actually this is the least thing on my mind to worry about, because taking care of the transfer process is already draining my mind, but tbh sometimes im also worried my future s/o is nowhere to be seen... kinda longing that feeling when you have butterfly on your tummy.. i want to feel it again 😔 i'll be thirty in two years, so its scary to think that im currently not in any serious relationship with anyone 😭 but Allah is the best planner so i shouldnt be worried... 

I used to have big fat crush with few people, then it breaks my heart when i realize they're with someone already, but actually i move on quickly because there is really nothing happened between us. Recently there's this person that is catching my attention. He's actually my coworker and in my age. That person these days comes to my room and checks on me, simply saying good morning, and conversing about work and etc, then he goes back to his room. I dont really get wrong idea because i'm not really sure what he means by doing such things. Moreover i also dont know if i wanna spend the rest of my live with him or not (over thinking is pisces trait 😂😂😂)  

Well.. for now i'll just do my best for things that in my control and not worry about things that is not in my control. I believe that Allah already has the best decision for me and my surroundings. Aamiin.

today should be a very happy day since its inseong's birthday, july 12th. but since he's inactive as an idol because he's in military, nothing's really special... and another things shocks me in the morning.

one of my dear friend, recently i told her i like this one man, she knows him as well, because he's her friend, we all are good friends. i should say she's quite brave, but i thought she wont be this brave, because she asked him blatantly if she's close with this girl (the girl that both of us are suspicious of as her girlfriend)...im shocked when she showed me the screenshot.. and he answered he already has someone (and definitely not the girl i was suspicious of).. my heart sunk... as well as my feeling.

its always like this, whenever i am interested in someone, they are already with somebody else... i mean they don't really show it that they already have somebody.. and i always keep going on with the feeling and ended up getting hurt.. this one man that i like is my ideal man that i want to have and grow together in life, unfortunately he's already with someone, i wont keep this feeling anymore.. he's such a good friend, i hope i can stay as good friend with him although i cant have him..

짝사랑 진짜 싫어 사람을 혼자 좋아하는거 너무 힘들다.. 

i hate having one-sided crush, loving someone on your own is really tiring..